Understanding Discernment Counseling: A Guide for Couples in Crisis
When a couple reaches a point of considering separation or divorce, the decision can be emotionally charged and complex. Discernment counseling, developed by Dr. Bill Doherty, provides a structured and supportive way to navigate this critical juncture. As an experienced couples therapist, I have seen firsthand the transformative power of discernment counseling for couples facing uncertainty. This blog will explore who discernment counseling is for, the concepts of leaning in and out, validating the decision to come to therapy, how the process works, the length of sessions, and the ultimate goals of discernment counseling.
Who is Discernment Counseling For?
Discernment counseling is designed specifically for couples where one or both partners are uncertain about the future of their relationship. It is not traditional couples therapy aimed at solving relational problems but rather a brief, targeted approach to help couples gain clarity and confidence in deciding the next steps for their relationship. This form of counseling is particularly suitable for:
- Couples where one partner is leaning towards ending the relationship while the other is leaning towards working on it.
- Couples experiencing chronic or severe relational issues where previous attempts at therapy have not led to improvement.
- Couples seeking a clearer understanding of their relationship dynamics and future potential.
Leaning In and Leaning Out Couples
In discernment counseling, couples are often categorized into two types: leaning in and leaning out.
**Leaning In Partners** are those who are inclined to work on the relationship and are hopeful about its potential for improvement. They often feel that with effort and commitment, the relationship can be repaired and thrive.
**Leaning Out Partners** are those who are considering ending the relationship and may feel hopeless about the possibility of positive change. They might be emotionally detached or feel that the issues are insurmountable.
Understanding these perspectives is crucial as it helps the therapist tailor the counseling process to address the needs and concerns of both partners. The goal is not to push either partner towards a specific decision but to facilitate a respectful and insightful dialogue about their future.
Who Should Go To Discernment Counseling?
The decision to come to discernment counseling is a significant step for any couple embarking on a journey towards understanding and clarity. It's crucial to validate both partners for their courage and openness in embracing this process. This act of validation can effectively diminish defensiveness and foster a secure environment conducive to genuine and open-hearted communication.
Couples often experience a mix of emotions, including fear, anger, sadness, and hope. By validating these emotions, the therapist can help each partner feel heard and understood, laying the foundation for productive sessions.
How Discernment Counseling Works
Discernment counseling typically consists of up to five sessions, each structured to provide clarity and direction. The process involves both joint and individual conversations:
1. Initial Session: The first session focuses on understanding each partner’s perspective and the history of the relationship. The therapist conducts separate conversations with each partner to gain insight into their concerns and desires.
2. Subsequent Sessions: Each session involves a combination of joint discussions and individual conversations. The therapist helps each partner explore their reasons for staying or leaving, their hopes and fears, and the potential impact of their decision.
3. Final Session: In the final session, the couple reviews what they have learned and decides on the next steps. These may include pursuing couples therapy, starting the process of separation, or taking a time-limited break to reflect further.
The Goals of Discernment Counseling
The primary goal of discernment counseling is to help couples reach a decision about the future of their relationship with greater clarity and confidence. This process aims to achieve several specific objectives:
- Clarification: Helping each partner understand their own and their partner’s perspectives and feelings.
- Understanding: Gaining insight into the dynamics of the relationship and the issues at play.
- Decision-Making: Assisting the couple in making an informed decision about whether to pursue couples therapy, separate, or take another course of action.
- Empowerment: Empowering each partner to articulate their needs and desires and to engage in the decision-making process with honesty and integrity.
Conclusion
Discernment counseling offers a compassionate and structured approach for couples at a crossroads. By providing a safe space for exploration and dialogue, it helps couples make thoughtful decisions about their future. If you and your partner are facing uncertainty and need guidance, consider scheduling a discernment counseling session with me. Together, we can navigate this challenging time and work towards a decision that respects both your individual and shared needs.
Take the first step towards clarity and confidence in your relationship. Contact me today to schedule your discernment counseling session and begin the journey towards a more informed and intentional future.
