“It’s Not You, It’s Me”: Overcoming Commitment Issues in Relationships

How many times have you gone on a first date, wondering if this could be “the one”, and find yourself making every excuse about what’s wrong with them and can’t wait to get out of there? Or maybe you have gone on a few dates, and just as before things can become more official, you sabotage the relationship by pushing them away?

It is time to look at these patterns, understand their origins, and create some healing!

In this blog I am going to break down attachment styles, what they mean and how they are showing up and preventing you form getting the love you want!

As a seasoned relationship therapist, I've encountered many individuals struggling with commitment issues in their relationships. These challenges often stem from attachment wounds rooted in early family experiences. Understanding how these attachment styles manifest in adulthood and their origins can be the first step toward healing and fostering deeper intimacy and commitment in relationships.

Attachment Styles and Their Influence on Relationships

Anxious Attachment: This type of attachment shows up as the “clingy” type, but is rooted in a need for reassurance and closeness with others. They may have experienced inconsistent care giving in which affection and love form their parents was unpredictable. Further, their parents may have been emotionally immature themselves, and were either overly involved or neglectful with their child. Upon adulthood, the inconsistency in love and care shows up as a fear of abandonment and need for closeness. In fact, the anxious attached person often seeks reassurance form theri partner and will become preoccupied with the realtionship. They may feel it is all or nothing in the relationship, and give up if they don’t receive constant validation and care.

Tips for healing: First, work on building your self esteem and love for yourself. After all, the only thing garunteed in life is that you will be with yourself until the end, so there is no better time than now to start loving yourself. Develop copong skills and self-soothing techniques to manage your anxieties in the relationship. Encourage healthy communication patterns that allow for expressing needs without overwhelming the partner.

Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style shows up as the super independent person who struggles with intimacy. Often times, their preference for self reliance creates emotional distance and frequently dismiss the importance of human connection and closeness. For people who are avoidant, their caregivers may have been emotionally distant and unresponsive, and the environment encouraged independence and separateness for survival in conflict and emotional issues.

Tips for healing: Start with slowly recognizing emotional vulnerability as important and healing for relationships. Reflect on the value of independence in relationships, and how it has been both a strength in self preservation, but also harmful in truly letting people in and building a sense of felt safety and support with those you love. It is never to late to seek out therapy to address the underlying fears of being vulnerable and building healthier attachment behaviors.

Overcoming Commitment Issues: Steps Toward Healing

1. Self-Awareness and Acceptance: Understanding your attachment style and how it affects your relationships is crucial. Accepting these patterns without judgment allows you to take the first step toward change.

2. Therapeutic Support: Seeking help from a qualified therapist can provide a safe space to explore your attachment wounds. Emotionally Focused Therapy, in particular, can help you understand and reshape emotional responses within relationships.

3. Communication Skills: Learning to communicate effectively with your partner is essential. Expressing your needs, fears, and desires openly can reduce misunderstandings and foster a deeper connection.

4. Building Trust Gradually: Trust is the foundation of any committed relationship. Focus on small, consistent actions that build trust over time. This can include being reliable, honest, and emotionally available.

5. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this journey. Healing from attachment wounds is a process that takes time and patience. Celebrate small victories and progress along the way.

Conclusion

Understanding the roots of your attachment style and its impact on your relationship can be a transformative experience. By acknowledging these patterns and taking proactive steps toward healing, you can pave the way for more meaningful, committed, and intimate relationships. Remember, it is never too late to heal and create the fulfilling relationships you deserve.

As an EFT couples therapist, I'm here to support you on this journey of self-discovery and growth. Together, we can work towards building the loving and secure connections that form the cornerstone of a happy and committed relationship.

If you're ready to take the next step, contact me today to schedule a consultation and begin your path toward healing and deeper connection.